Fear...

So, for some odd reason I wanted to watch the movie: "A Walk to Remember" with Mandy Moore and well, some good looking fella that was her boyfriend in the movie. If you haven't seen it, I'm sorry, but I think I am going to spoil the movie for you...actually I am going to spoil the movie for you. Sorry, but you have been warned! Jaime, has leukemia....in otherwords cancer. She knew that it would be good to have treatment but she hasn't responded to treatment for 2 years. She ends up falling for this guy whom they marry at the end but she dies in the summer time. And he, he ends up falling in love with her. She tells him to promise her that he will not fall in love with her at about the beginning of the movie, and he agreed because at the time, he had no idea what was going on and he was in the "cool" club of friends, he knew not what was going to happen. Much like you and I, we can not predict our future.

Well, in a lot of way's I know how she felt through out the movie. Interesting, that all my real feelings showed how I felt in certain parts of the movies, things that was said was things that I was thinking. And ok, no, I haven't told a guy to 'never fall in love with me,' but I have wanted to. There was a guy that always tried to get my attention through out high school. And he tried and tried and tried, and each time I kept pushing him away and he asked me one day, why would I keep doing the same thing. Well, because I didn't want him to know what I was going through. Only I knew how I felt, only I knew what was going on and only I knew how hard it was to have the "Graves Disease" -aka- Cancer... later on, that's what my doctor labelled it and by later on was sometime in my freshman year in high school. I knew what I actually had. This guy, that was trying to get my attention kept going out of his way to help me or to do me a favor or whatever. And yet, I wouldn't say yes when he tried to get me to say yes to going out. Why? Well, because I felt it was my burden to carry and that I still had to work on accepting what I had was real. It was the real deal. I thought like everyone else thinks when they are in middle school and high school, "hey, i'm young, i can do anything, nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me and I can't catch anything (any fatal diseases, or just anything).' But to my dismay, i caught a bad virus. A tumor named cancer that could spread and become into a deadly cancer.

I actually finally told one of my good friends a year ago what I had while in school. He was shocked and at first didn't know what to say. He said I should have told him. I feel bad, that I never said anything. But now, I feel better that I can finally talk about it and feel ok because I have accepted what I have had.

I did have a tumor. It was pretty big, it could have been taken out. But the doctors didn't want to because I was only 12 or 14 years old. And I was very fortunate that with radiology it did the trick and made it go down and my medicines help a lot. Although I hated how much hair loss I was having. But heck, I was glad I didn't have to go through surgery. It was the scariest time of my life. But this time, time is precious. Life is beautiful. The blessings have been amazing. Life has really treat me well! And I have grown in a lot of ways. I really, try hard to not take life for granted. I know that I can be stinker at times but I really am trying to be better. I am not perfect but I am always striving to be better.

Yes, I did finally grew to accept what I had. And just like Jaime, "I don't need another reason to be angry at God." I don't. I felt that way. But I felt so a lone. I felt like nobody understood me or understood what was going on. I was in the same religion as my parents at the time, only because I was following the faith of my parents.

And then, one day it hit me, it was like a ton of bricks. "There is something more to life! Live! Be strong and fight! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Endure to the end!" My teacher, whom had no clue what was going on with me (or might have, because he was good friends with another teacher at the high school that I was going at, whom was, well, still is best friends with my brother....but i never really told my brother how i felt) , he just wrote a simple note on one of my graded papers (it was my summer school class) "Veronica, your doing just fine. Stop trying so hard, your doing great." Man, that toke me a back, that hit me strong. I knew exactly what he meant, its the same statement that I wrote a second ago that came to my mind...."There is something more to life...." (look at above statement on this paragraph.)

Well, I did start fighting this wretched thing, this plague, this cancer. I found out soon before graduating, I was ok. And that I had fought a good fight and I was cancer free. Yeehaaa! I was so glad. Unlike Jaime, I got lucky, and I still alive and doing well. While all this was going on, I was still questioning where is God? etc... I was questioning a lot of things. Well, I found my answer. And now I have been saved. I know that though, it can come back. I know what the symptom's are. I know that if I have faith everything will work out, not in my time but in the Lord's time. He has a plan for us. We must be obedient and follow it. I know that it is not up to me to live or die. He knows what will happen to me. He knows what my future holds and what will happen next. I just have to be faithful. Its better said than done. Thats really true. But its a work in progress. And you just keep doing what you know to be right, asking in faith that things will work out and being prayerful is always helpful.

Yeah, life has its difficulties. Always remember, that there is others that have it worse, and there are others who feel your pain. Jesus Christ atone for sins, so we can return to our Heavenly Father and He has been through awhole lot more that what we can handle. And that we can be reunited with our family and friends. He knows us, and we are children of God. He loves us and will ALWAYS be by our side. I know that to be true. Because He has always been there for me. Thats why I am where I am today. And I thank Heavenly Father for all the many blessings! I know that the church is true and that He lives! I know that the scriptures are true and that the Temple is the most wonderful place to be. I know that with all my heart, that this is where I need to be because I have been given that knowledge and reminded of what I need to get done here. Thank you so much. In the name of Jesus the Christ. Amen.

love- me!

Never fear! Because with fear you won't be able to succeed. You won't be able to see your true potential! Be strong, be brave, have charity because "....charity never faileth."